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The Daily Squid
The Daily Squid is an internet newspaper featuring news headlines and information on a variety of provocative topics.


The Daily Squid

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  • The Daily Squid
    is an internet newspaper featuring news headlines and information on a variety of provocative topics.

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    2000-2001
    The Daily Squid
    All Rights Reserved

    THE HEIRARCHY OF DEATH...
    UFO CRASH BLINDS MAN'S COWS...
    IS IT BETTER TO WALK OR RUN IN THE RAIN?...
    SEE THE WORLD'S FATTEST WOMEN...
    DEFECATING REINDEER TOPS 'WARPED' TOYS LIST...
    WILD ELEPHANTS KILL FOUR...
    MAN KILLED IN CRASH WITH DUCK...
    CHURCHILL'S SECRET WARTIME LAIR...
    MICROWAVE-BEAM WEAPONS TO BE USED ON HUMANS...
    PUFFER FISH DNA SIMILAR TO HUMAN'S...
    FUNGUS ATTACKS UNSUSPECTING PUMPKINS...
    TOMBS FOUND IN CITY OF WOMEN...
    BARNEY THE 60 YEAR OLD LOBSTER'S LIFE IS SPARED...
    CHURCHILL SUPPRESSED UFO SECRETS...
    PRIVATE PARACHUTES...
    CAT AND KITTENS FOUND ALIVE IN WTC RUBBLE...
    FREE TAMPONS FUEL ANTHRAX SCARE...
    TAX DODGERS CONFUSE COURTROOM...
    MATA HARI TO BE RE-TRIED...
    BIN LADEN ORGANIZATION SUPPORTED BY SALE OF HONEY...
    EVIL MUPPET BERT IS BIN LADEN OPERATIVE...
    BERT IS A BIN LADEN HENCHMAN...
    PET PYTHON EATS PET DOG...
    POLICE USE HELICOPTOR FOR DONUT RUN...
    SQUEEGEE SAVES FIVE LIVES AT WTC...
    TODDLER FOUND SAFE IN BEAR CAVE...
    DEAD PATIENT REVIVED AFTER 40 MINUTES...
    FEMALE WALLABY ON THE LOOSE...
    RATS THINK ABOUT MORE THAN JUST CHEESE...
    DUTCH PROSTITUTES FORM TRADE UNION...
    ARGENTINA BUS PLUNGE KILLS EIGHT PEOPLE...
    TWO NAKED MEN PUSHING STROLLER WITH POT PLANT ARRESTED...
    HELICOPTER CRASHES INTO POTATO LAKE...
    MAGNETO-MAN PULLS 2-TON TRUCK...
    BABIES' BONES USED IN ATOMIC FALLOUT RESEARCH...
    MAN FINDS SEVERED PENIS IN BOTTLE OF FRUIT JUICE...
    GOEBBELS SATIRE BOOED BY CRITICS...
    COCKROACHES ENLISTED AS SPIES...
    FARMER BUYS TWO-MALE OSTRICH BREEDING PAIR...
    HUNTER SHOOTS HERMAPHRODITE MOOSE...
    WIFE GIVES HUSBAND KISS OF DEATH...
    MAN TRIES TO PASS A PHONY MILLION DOLLAR BILL AT A BANK...
    VIRTUOSO VIOLINIST ISAAC STERN DIES AT 82...
    HACKER RE-WRITES YAHOO! NEWS STORIES...
    MAN CARVES 7-FOOT PENIS OUT OF TREE STUMP...
    ROBBER USES RAVIOLI TO THREATEN CLERK...
    BACH ARCHIVE STOLEN BY RED ARMY RETURNED TO GERMANY...
    NYC SUBWAY AT RISK OF MASSIVE FLOODING...
    PSYCHIC PREDICTED WTC ATTACK ON BRITISH TV...
    CIA USES CATS FOR TOP-SECRET SPYING...
    TWO KENTUCKIANS DIE OF MAD-COW DISEASE...
    PROVOCATIVE PHOTO: FACE OF SATAN...
    WANTED: USAMA BIN LADEN...
    LAWYER MAKES ROYAL GAFFE...
    WHY WOMEN LOVE AND MEN HATE...
    MAN STUCK IN SEWER FOR THREE DAYS...
    THE SOURCE OF FEAR...
    CHUCKLES THE CLOWN BEATS SEX RAP...
    WOMAN DIES STUCK IN SOFA BED...
    WWII BOMBER CREW REMAINS LOCATED...
    EVIL IRS DESTROYS TAX RETURNS THEN BLAMES TAXPAYERS FOR NOT FILING...
    MONSTER LOBSTER...
    DEA AGENT DIES AFTER SINKING INTO CESSPOOL GOO...
    DUMMY HANGS HIMSELF...
    SEX IN SPACE...
    POT IN A BOX...
    49 DEAD IN NIGERIA BUS PLUNGE...
    THIRTY DEAD IN CHINA BUS PLUNGE...
    DOG WORSHIPS GOD IN CANINE CHURCH...
    LAST SURVIVOR OF PT109 DIES...
    HUMAN LIMBS FOUND IN POSTAL PARCEL...
    SATELLITES SPOTS NOAH'S ARK...
    MAN CHOPS OFF LEFT NUT...
    MORE ON THE FLAMING POP-TART PHENOMENA...
    TOPLESS DANCERS ARE PERMITTED BY LAW TO FONDLE THEMSELVES...
    JAMAICA TO LEGALIZE GANJAWEED...
    NOAH'S ARK AT BOTTOM OF BLACK SEA...
    OLYMPIC SWIMMER DROWNS IN CAT'S WATER BOWL...
    FISHERMAN CATCHES 16FT SQUID...
    YOUNG MAN RIVER CLEANS UP MISSISSIPPI...
    CAT PREFERS CHINESE TAKE-OUT...
    10 YEAR OLD APOLOGIZES FOR BANK ROBBERY...
    ONE MILLION PING-PONG BALLS GO UP IN FLAME...
    MODERN DAY FAGAN...
    EYEBROWS RAISED OVER LENGTH OF GERMANS' VACATIONS...
    CAT SURVIVES WASH, RINSE AND SPIN CYCLES...
    SEX PLANE CRASHES DURING HIJACKING...
    SWARM OF KILLER WASPS ATTACKS TODDLERS...
    MEDICAL TESTS OF CANNABIS UNDERWAY...
    FIRST VICTIM OF TAMPA'S BIG BROTHER-CAM...
    BARBER BITES OFF MAN'S THUMB...
    WOMAN TRAVELS TO LANDFILL WRAPPED IN MATTRESS...
    SEARCH IS ON FOR U.S. NAVY AIRMEN IN RUSSIA...
    RESENTFUL SON BLOWTORCHES MOTHER'S HAIR...
    RATS MAKE COMEBACK IN NATIONS CITIES...
    GOPHER KILLER SEEKS GOVERNMENT APPROVAL...
    ROBBER NAMED KEN STEALS BARBIES FROM EXHIBIT...
    GERMAN SOLDIERS ORDERED TO CONSERVE TOILET PAPER FOR WAR EFFORT...
    STOWAWAYS SHANGHAIED...
    HIPPO ATTACKS WOMAN AT LOCAL SWIMMING POOL...
    GIANT FISH SEEKS REVENGE AGAINST ANGLER...
    HUSKS RAIN DOWN ON CORN FAMILY REUNION...
    PIZZA DELIVERY MAN HIJACKS PLANE TO CUBA...
    TOILET MUSEUM IMPROVES FACILITIES...
    LATEST FASHION CRAZE: THE COCONUT BRA...
    HEINZ UNVEILS PURPLE KETCHUP...
    BLOB FROM OUTER-SPACE CONTAINS SECRET TO ETERNAL LIFE...
    YOUTH CAMP MUTINY...
    NEW CREAM CHANGES SKIN PIGMENTATION...
    DEAD CHIPMUNK HAS BUBONIC PLAGUE...
    DOG FIGHTS GATOR TO PROTECT MASTER...
    U.S. USED HALLUCINOGENIC DRUGS AGAINST IRAQ...
    MAN SHOOTS BROTHER OVER LOUSY DIRECTIONS...
    HEAD SURFACES IN FISHING POND...
    SEVERELY CONSTIPATED MAN SPENDS 80 HOURS IN SWELTERING PORT-A-POTTY...
    THE DEMONIC CLOWN...
    RENOVATED PARIS CATACOMBS RE-OPEN TO THE PUBLIC...
    STATE TO REQUIRE VIRGINITY TESTS OF ALL FEMALE NURSING STUDENTS...
    WOMAN USES CHILD AS COLLATERAL IN CRACK DEAL...
    THE INTRIGUING STORY OF THE USS LIBERTY...
    OFFENSIVE AND TASTELESS RUNWAY FASHION DESIGN INCORPORATES NAZI SWASTIKA...
    REAL LIVE HOMER SIMPSON BORROWS VIAL OF PLUTONIUM FROM NUCLEAR PLANT...
    SMALL CAT MAULS NAKED MAN IN SHOWER...
    COW FALLS ON MAN...
    MCDONALDS IS GETTING REPUTATION FOR LOUSY MINIMUM-WAGE SERVICE...
    STALIN WAS A CARTOON DOODLER...
    THE CRIMINALLY UNJUST CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM...
    POLICE ON LOOKOUT FOR NAKED MAN...
    DRAWING MORE SNIPER FIRE ON ROUTE-3...
    TWO ARRESTED FOR 'SPOTLIGHTING' POLICE HELICOPTER...
    90 TONS OF SQUID TO BE DESTROYED...
    PROOF THAT CIA FUNDS THE DRUG TRADE...
    CLASSICAL MUSIC DETERS CRIME...
    WITCHES IN A TIZZY THAT BROOMS ARE SHOWN IN WRONG DIRECTION...
    UK POLICE DISCONTINUE ENFORCEMENT OF ANTI-CANNABIS LAWS...
    MAN WITH EXTREMELY HAIRY ARMS ROBS BANK...
    STRAY DOG FOILS MASS PRISON BREAK...
    MAN WHO LEARNED TO READ AT AGE 98 DIES AT 103...
    WOMAN LANDS 33KG TROUT...
    MAN GORED TO DEATH BY BUFFALO...
    CRIMINAL IRS PAYS KENTUCKY MAN $80,000 PER YEAR TO NOT WORK...
    HOW THE BRITS TRICKED THE NAZIS...
    COLOMBIAN MAN BITTEN ON HIS NOODLE BY POISON SNAKE...
    THREE GIRLS ATTEMPT TO KILL ANOTHER WITH GOPHER POISON...
    MORON HIDES FIREWORKS IN OVEN, KITCHEN DONE BLOWED UP...
    ORIGINS OF STEEL MUCH OLDER THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT...
    BUS PLUNGE IN NEVADA...
    MURDERER CONFESSES TO STUFFING RUBBER BALL DOWN VICTIMS THROAT...
    EVIL PENTAGON DEVELOPES HUMAN STINK BOMB...
    WOMAN FORCED TO RELOCATE BECAUSE OF SIX SQUEALING PIGS...
    UNEMPLOYED BUM WINS $2.8 MILLION AT SLOT-MACHINE...
    300,000 YEAR OLD AXE BLADE FOUND NEXT TO FOSSILIZED HYENA FECES...
    HUMAN ARM FOUND...
    WOMAN DRIVING NEW CAR ATTACKED BY TARANTULA ...
    107 YEAR OLD VETERAN OF BATTLE OF GALLIPOLI DIES...
    BULL MOOSE ATTACKS MINI-VAN...
    CONCIOUS MIND LIVES ON AFTER BRAIN DIES...
    HORSE GIVES BIRTH TO CHECKERED ZEBRA...
    GATOR NIPS NUDIST'S NAUGHTY BITS...
    EVIL GOVERNMENT GIVES MARIJUANA TO SOME, MAKES IT ILLEGAL FOR OTHERS...
    JUNE 22, 1941, OPERATION BARBAROSSA, GERMANY INVADES RUSSIA...
    SINGING NATIONAL ANTHEM PROHIBITED AT JEFFERSON MEMORIAL...
    62 YEAR OLD WOMAN GIVES BIRTH TO BROTHERS BABY...
    MAN GETS 25 YEARS TO LIFE FOR STEALING COOKIE...
    GATOR SIGHTING IN NYC CENTRAL PARK...
    KID SAVES FRIEND CHOKING ON A HAM AND CHEESE...
    UN ESTABLISHES HAVEN FOR TROUBLED PEOPLES...
    GERMAN COP ON TRIAL FOR NAZI SALUTE...
    PARROT SNITCHES ON CHEATING HUSBAND...
    MUSSOLINI'S COUNTENANCE MYSTERIOUSLY FLUSHED FROM URINAL...
    LOCUST PLAGUE OF BIBLICAL PROPORTION UNLEASHED UPON WORLD BY GOD...
    FUNGUS DEVOURS COMPACT DISCS...
    CITY BUS COLLIDES WITH RETAINING WALL...
    HALF THE PRISONERS BREAK OUT OF GUATEMALAN JAIL AND ARE HEADED TOWARDS TEXAS...
    CANDLE FACTORY CATCHES FIRE...
    POISON SPIDERS INVADE WINDSOR CASTLE...
    TROUBLED TEEN TORTURES GUINEA PIG...
    RUSSIAN ROCKET-SCIENTESTS TO BLAST TRASH INTO SPACE...
    NON-CONTROVERSIAL PAINTING ATTACKED BY INTELLECTUALS AND ARTISTS ALIKE...
    MENTALLY RETARDED AND OTHER 'UNDESIRABLES' TO BE EXECUTED BY STATE...
    FALLING TREE KILLS NUTTY WOMAN...
    HIGH-TECH IMAGING INFRINGES ON CITIZENS RIGHTS...
    ORANGUTAN DIES FOLLOWING SURGERY...
    POLICE STUMPED BY BILLBOARD COVERUP...
    WILD BIRDS IMITATE CELL PHONE SOUNDS...
    NICE GUY WINS LOTTERY...
    GENIUS JAPANESE GROW SQUARE WATERMELON...
    TORMENTED TEENS NUKE CLASSROOM SNAKE 'WIGGLES' IN MICROWAVE...
    RUNAWAY BACKHOE TAKES OUT TOUR BUS...
    BRITISH D-DAY HERO DIES...
    NASA CONSPIRES TO ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT...
    CRACKED TOILET FLOODS COUNTY COURTHOUSE...
    WOMAN BURIED IN WRONG GRAVE...
    LONDON'S AIR IS CLEANEST IN 400 YEARS...
    KENTUCKY GARDENERS RELY ON THE ZODIAC...
    EVIL DOG BREEDER(?) HANGS SIX IN GARAGE...
    GERMAN COMPANY THAT HELPED THE NAZIS IS CONTRACTED TO BUILD U.S. WWII MEMORIAL...
    30,000 ANIMALS DROWN IN WORST FLOOD SINCE NOAH'S TIME...
    SUN-EARTH-MARS ALIGNMENT TO PRODUCE CALAMITOUS RESULTS, AS PREDICTED BY NOSTRADAMUS...
    MOBILE CELL-PHONES RENDER SOPHISTICATED STEALTH BOMBER/FIGHTER TECHNOLOGY USELESSLY OBSOLETE...
    MONSTER CHICKEN-KEBAB FEEDS THOUSANDS...
    POLITE CRIMINAL OPERATES HOAGIE SCAM...
    CANADIAN WWII HERO WHO FOUGHT AT DIEPPE RAID DIES...
    KOMODO DRAGON BITES OFF MAN'S NAUGHTY BITS...
    5-ALARM BUMPER CAR FIRE AT PLAYLAND...
    BAG LADY ROBS A BANK A WEEK...
    KITTY CAT-NAPPERS STRIKE AT SHELTER...
    DRUNK DRIVING MURDERER DIES FIRST WEEK IN PRISON...
    SIX DIE IN BOTCHED GUATEMALAN BUS ROBBERY...
    TWO DOGS WEDDED IN HOLY MATRIMONY...
    POPE POO-POOS ONLINE CONFESSIONS...
    MARC CHAGALL PAINTING STOLEN FROM MUSEUM AFTER PARTY...
    CRIMINALLY FLATULENT COP IS UNAPOLOGETIC...
    RUSSIA IN WORST CRISIS SINCE WWII AS VODKA RUNS DRY...
    MILLIE THE CLONED COW DIES...
    SEX IN SPACE IS OUTLAWED...
    WOMAN USES HER BREASTS TO TRICK MEN...
    FATAL COMPUTER FUNGUS DISCOVERED...
    SQUIRREL ATTACKS ELDERLY WOMAN...
    NYC MAN KILLS TWO FOR THEIR APARTMENT...
    HORSEMEAT CONSUMPTION INCREASES AMONGST THE POOR...
    WORLDWIDE SPY NETWORK REALLY EXISTS...
    THREE DANCING AND TICK-TACK-TOE PLAYING CHICKENS REPORTED MISSING, FOUL-PLAY SUSPECTED...
    SWAN ATTEMPTS TO DROWN WOMAN...
    FLORIDA POLICE GET SKUNKED...
    HONG KONG TO SLAUGHTER ALL CHICKENS...
    MAN CHOKES TO DEATH ON LIVE FISH...
    SCOTTISH POLICE ADVERTISE PORNO WEBSITE TO CHILDREN...
    MYSTERIOUS FORCE AFFECTS TRAJECTORIES OF OUTER-SPACE PROBES...
    ARCHAEOLOGISTS UNCOVER EVIDENCE OF THE WORLD'S FIRST ENEMA...
    4000 YEAR OLD HERCULES STATUE FOUND IN TURKEY...
    SUPREME COURT SNUFFS OUT MEDICAL MARIJUANA...
    AUTHOR OF 'ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK' DIES...
    HUGE BULGE ON EARTH'S SURFACE DETECTED FROM OUTER-SPACE...
    FBI CONSPIRACY WITHHELD MCVEIGH EVIDENCE FROM HIS DEFENSE LAWYERS...
    KENTUCKY HORSES DYING FROM MYSTERY ILLNESS...
    DEADMAN SITS IN ROCKING CHAIR FOR FOUR YEARS...
    ALZHEIMERS LINKED TO LOW LEVELS OF VITAMIN B12...
    U.S. TO BUILD NEW MILITARY BASE FOR ISRAEL...
    NUDE HAIR STYLIST TERRORIZES HEALTH SPA PATRONS...
    KILLER OTTER DEVOURS PET DOG...
    TALE OF THE TWO-HEADED CALF...
    VOYEUR, CROSS-DRESSER AND NYC MAYOR, RUDOLPH GIULIANI SPIES ON NEW YORKERS WITH OVER 15,784 HIDDEN CAMERAS...
    MAN ARRESTED FOR SELLING HIS OWN URINE...
    JUDGE LAUGHS AS DEFENDANT LIES DYING ON COURTROOM FLOOR...
    THE U.S. GOVERNMENT'S CONSPIRACY TO OVERTHROW CASTRO...
    MAN DIES WHILE DIGGING MOTHERS GRAVE...
    PILOT FLYING SMALL PLANE CALLS TO HOME BELOW ON CELL PHONE THEN CRASHES WHILE FAMILY WATCHES...
    CIA BRINGS DRUGS INTO THE COUNTRY...
    SIMPLE RF WEAPON DESIGNED TO KNOCK OUT ALL SURROUNDING COMMUNICATIONS...
    MAN CATCHES FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE...
    BOTTLES OF ORANGE JUICE EXPLODE ON IMPACT...
    LIFE IN THE AIR RAGE...
    SCIENTISTS DISCOVER WHY WOMEN BECOME MORE INTOXICATED FROM ALCOHOL THAN DO MEN...
    SWARM OF 300,000 KILLER BEES ATTACKS GROUP OF TODDLERS...
    STOLEN LABORATORY TEST-TUBE SAMPLE OF FOOT AND MOUTH VIRUS IS CAUSE OF EUROPEAN EPIDEMIC...
    PRIMITIVE TRIBE THAT HAS HAD NO PREVIOUS CONTACT WITH WESTERN CIVILIZATION IS DISCOVERED IN AMAZON JUNGLE...
    DOCTORS PERFORM HEAD REPLACEMENT SURGERY...
    WICKED KENTUCKY SCIENTIST INTENT ON CLONING HUMANS...
    BURGLAR DIES WEDGED IN CHIMNEY...
    MODERN SOCIETY ABOUT TO REVERT TO CANNIBALISM...
    NAZI GESTAPO CHIEF WAS HIRED AND PROTECTED BY CIA...
    RENEGADE TURKEY TERRORIZES POSTMAN...
    COMMUNISTS RALLY ON ANNIVERSARY OF STALIN'S DEATH...
    SHOE STORE STAMPEDE...
    INTRUDER'S CORPSE FOUND IN VENTILATION SHAFT...
    EVIL GOVERNMENT FORCED RANCHER TO SHOOT TROUBLESOME COWS FROM HELICOPTER...
    DID MAN REALLY WALK ON THE MOON?...
    GUATEMALAN BUS PLUNGE...
    HARLEY RIDER FUELS HOG WITH SOY...
    PUTIN IS A VAMPIRE...
    MASSIVE 116 CAR PILEUP...
    BIG BROTHER UNLOOSED...
    AIRPLANE PILOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING...
    THE INTRIGUING TALES OF THE ROOSTER AND THE PIG...
    DOOMESDAY RUMOURS ABOUND IN EARTHQUAKE RAVAGED INDIA...
    THE MADMAN, THE MIDGET, AND THE GIANTS...
    300 YEAR OLD DRINKING PHALLUS UNEARTHED...
    MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A WOMAN MARRIES HIS TELEVISION SET...
    IBM HELPED THE NAZIS EXTERMINATE THE JEWS...
    THE INTERNET RESEMBLES KAFKA'S 'THE TRIAL' MORE THAN ORWELL'S '1984'...
    EBOLA HITS NORTH AMERICA...
    MILITARY UNIFORMS MARCH DOWN THE NEW YORK FASHION RUNWAYS...
    LOST PENGUIN TREATED FOR DEPRESSION...
    GIANT GORILLA ESCAPES FROM ZOO...
    BEWARE OF FALLING COCONUTS...
    STUDY SHOWS YOUNG PEOPLE TODAY ARE BECOMING STUPID...
    LIFE IN THE AIR AGE...
    SCHOOLBOY SUSPENDED FOR POINTING PIECE OF CHICKEN AT TEACHER...
    SOVIETS COPIED B-29 BOMBER PART FOR PART...
    BRITISH MAGICIAN FOOLED THE NAZIS DURING WWII...
    JAZZ LEGEND LIONEL HAMPTON PERFORMS AT SMITHSONIAN CEREMONY...
    OHIO MAN NAMED BILL CLINTON DIES FROM MAD COWS DISEASE...
    FAST FOOD CASHIER MAKES CHANGE FOR A GEORGE BUSH $200 BILL...
    AUSCHWITZ REVISITED...
    GERMAN BUTCHERS RUN OUT OF PORK SAUSAGE...
    MADMAN SADDAM HAS TWO NUCLEAR BOMBS...
    50 YEARS OF SALINGER NOVEL 'THE CATCHER IN THE RYE'...
    RATS DREAM ABOUT MORE THAN JUST CHEESE PROVING THEY ARE SMARTER THAN MICE...
    COST OF APARTMENT RENTAL IN MANHATTAN IS DOWN...
    FOR FIRST TIME SCIENTISTS SEE SOMETHING BEING SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE...
    67 YEAR OLD LADY STALKS HER PLUMBER AFTER HE PLUNGES HER DRAIN...
    CHIRPING FROGS ANNOY RESIDENTS OF QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD IN HAWAII...
    WOMEN IN IRAN FLOGGED FOR PARTYING ON NEW YEARS EVE...
    ELEPHANT TRAMPLES MAN TO DEATH THEN CARRIES THE BODY AROUND FOR WEEKS...
    TREASURE OF THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR FOUND ON DANISH ISLAND...
    LENIN STILL NUMBER ONE IN RUSSIA, STALIN NUMBER TWO...
    BELOVED COLONEL KLINK DIES AT 80...
    MCDONALDS SERVES FRIED CHICKEN-HEAD...
    DUTCH LEGALIZE EUTHANASIA...
    OUTER-SPACE MICROBE INVADES PLANET-EARTH...
    MAIL-POUCH BARN PAINTER DIES...
    THANKSGIVING ! ...
    WOMAN SEARED BY HOT-PICKLE SUES MCDONALDS...
    THE WORLDS FIRST COMMERCIAL WAVE-POWER PLANT BEGINS OPERATING...
    SKELETON OF MAN BORN ON CHRISTMAS DAY WHO OWED BACK TAXES TO GOVERNMENT FOUND UNDER SUSPICIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES...
    SALVADORAN GUERRILLAS TURNED HOTELIERS...
    1100 YEAR OLD CAVE PAINTINGS FOUND IN WISCONSIN...
    QUEEN OF ENGLAND WRINGS A PHEASANT'S NECK...
    NYC EARNS TOP-RATING IN TRAVEL SURVEY...
    BRITISH WAR HERO SPIED FOR THE JAPANESE...
    POSTMAN NAMED FRISBY BROILS WIFE'S HEAD IN OVEN...
    CUBA'S INDEPENDENT LIBRARIES PROVIDE CONTROVERSIAL READING MATERIAL...
    JEWS AND ARABS ARE GENETIC BROTHERS...
    ALL EUROPEANS DESCENDED FROM 10 UBER-MEN AND SEVEN UBER-WOMEN...
    BOY CONQUERS LIFE-LONG FEAR OF KETCHUP...
    SPACE OBJECT LIKELY TO IMPACT EARTH...
    SPIDERMAN CAUGHT IN HIS OWN WEB...
    VENEZUELA TO OFFER LUNAR VACATIONS...
    BUS PLUNGE : ECUADOR ! ...
    BUS PLUNGE : BOLIVIA ! ...
    300-POUND PIG FLIES FIRST CLASS...
    ONLY 1 PUBLIC TOILET FOR EVERY 10.000 PERSONS LIVING IN ENGLAND... FLOODING IN ENGLAND REACHES HIGHEST LEVEL SINCE 1625...
    SCIENTISTS TO STUDY WHETHER PENQUINS FALL OVER BACKWARDS AS PLANES FLY OVERHEAD...
    BIRD FLIES INTO CELEBRITY'S FACE DURING ROLLER-COASTER RIDE...
    SADDAM TORTURES IRAQI SOCCER-TEAM PLAYERS FOR LOSING GAME...
    Dick Cheney Insults the Good People of Paducah Kentucky...
    Families of Five Executed Nuns Accuse Salvadoran Generals...
    FCC Shuts Down 3 Pirates in Texas...
    Gigantic Mushroom Harvested...
    Giant Trilobite Found...
    Poisoned Liquor Kills OVER 102 People In El Salvador...
    A History of the Perpetual-Motion Machine...
    Scientists Clone A 'Half-Pig-Half-Man'...
    TOP-20 WAYS WORLD MAY END...
    PALESTINIAN FLAG FLIES OVER JERUSALEM as Heavily Armed IDF SS Troops Massacre Children Throwing Sticks and Stones...
    Small Town Mayor Bludgeons Tiny Puppy to Death With Shovel...
    British Prime Minister Wants EU to be a Super-Power Able to 'Take On' the US Both Economically and Militarily...
    Octopus is Able to Unscrew Jar in One Minute...
    The World's First Cloned Mouse Dies...
    Stuffed African Man Returns to Wrong Country...
    Sadistic Chinese Torturers Drive Dozens of Tibetan Catholic Nuns to Commit Suicide...
    9-Year Old Boy Steals Trailways Bus and Crashes While Making U-Turn...
    Two Men Lost at Sea for 30 Days Survive on Pop-Tarts and Beer...
    Honduran Government Prohibits Parents From Naming Children After Automotive Parts...
    330 People Sickened by Rotten Egg Smell...
    Sir Arthur Conan Doyle MURDERED Friend for Sherlock Holmes Story...
    CONGRESS FILES COMPLAINT WITH FCC OVER SUBLIMINAL POLITICAL TV AD...
    More Evidence of NOAH'S FLOOD Discovered at Bottom of Black Sea...
    PALACE of the QUEEN OF SHEBA Found in DESERT...
    THREE People INJURED in CIRCUS ACT...
    Subliminal Suggestion Utilized in Presidential Campaign TV Ad...
    300 Year-Old Bottle of Wine Proves to be VERY TASTY VINTAGE...
    Man Smuggles LIZARDS in his PANTS...
    P0PE BATTLES DEVIL in exorcism AND LOSES...
    BUS PLUNGE in INDIA...
    Big Brother SPIES on the British...
    OZONE HOLE IS WIDENING DRAMATICALLY...
    Zookeeper Smothered in ELEPHANT DUNG...
    CASTRO SHAKES HANDS WITH CLINTON...
    MAN GETS STUCK in OUTHOUSE for THREE DAYS...
    MAN BURNED at STAKE for STEALING a CHICKEN...
    MYSTERY of the GLOWING MEAT...
    CADRE of EVIL SCIENTISTS CLONE an ARMY of PIGS CAPABLE of HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT...
    Blue Pigs Run in the Street...
    The LOST TOMB of ALEXANDER the GREAT is FOUND...
    Lost Nuclear Bomb Still Lies Under the Sea off GreenLand...
    HUNGARIAN WWII POW CAPTURED OUTSIDE STALINGRAD FINALLY RETURNS HOME...
    Japan QUAKES...
    CRIMINAL RADIO BROADCASTERS SELL OUT WMAQ the OLDEST STATION in Chicago...
    2000 year old FLUSH toilet discovered in CHINA...
    North Korean GODZILLA movie FLOPS in South Korean Theaters...
    CONCORDE CRASHES near PARIS...
    CENTRAL PARK CLOSED, West Nile Virus found in MOSQUITOs...
    DEADLY NEW MOSQUITO discovered In Massachusetts...
    CUSTOMS agent finds three MONKEYS in man's suitcase, and a BANANA in his POCKET...
    14,000 JAPANESE infants who drink BAD MILK at all-day youth event VOMIT SIMULTANEOUSLY...
    ANCIENT MYSTERY CITY DISCOVERED in jungle...
    International LOBSTER smuggling ring TRAPPED by FEDS...
    HOTDOG RECALL!...
    MASS MEDIA owners BATTLE the FCC for TOTAL CONTROL of nation's AIRWAVES...
    ISRAEL SPIES ON red HOUSE, and nobody seems to care...
    North Korea SELLS long range (1400 mile) SCUDS to Syria and Libya...
    BREAKTHROUGH! Scientists have the technology to convert GOLD into HUMAN WASTE...
    Fossil of three-ton dinosaur found caught in subway...
    North Korean DICTATOR visits CHINA in complete SECRECY...
    Postal worker FLUSHES mail down TOILET, CLOGS city's main waste treatment sewage pipe, backup SMELLS for MILES around...
    DEER NOW CONSIDERED MOST DANGEROUS ANIMAL...
    DWARF-TOSSING BAN CHALLENGED IN COURT...
    TINY EXPLODING BLACK HOLES...
    LAWSUIT FILED OVER STINKY HOUSE...
    SMALL TOWN MAYOR BANISHES SATAN...
    NORSE GOD ODIN WAS REAL VIKING KING...
    TWO DIE WHILE ELECTROCUTING GIANT PIG...
    BACKYARD GRENADE FACTORY UPSETS NEIGHBORS...
    BANK ROBBER RETURNS TO OPEN SAVINGS ACCOUNT...
    STAR TREK DROVE SPOCK TO DRINK...
    SCIENTISTS KILL MICE WITH LOUD DANCE MUSIC...
    DRUNK MAN FALLS ASLEEP IN TREE...
    POLYGAMY PORTER BEER OFFENDS MORMONS...
    THE SOUTH KOREAN TOILET MUSEUM...
    MAN'S BEST FRIEND IS A BIRD ...
    AMERICAN IS PEN PALS WITH SADDAM HUSSEIN...
    ANCIENT TEMPLE OF ISHTAR FOUND...
    YOUTH HANGED HIMSELF AT HALLOWEEN PARTY...
    TALIBAN COMPRISED OF JEWS FROM LOST TRIBE OF ISRAEL...
    FUNERAL SALES REPS BANNED FROM HOSPITAL WARDS...
    'LIVING FOSSIL' FISH FOUND...
    CRISPY CRITTER FOUND IN SNACK PACK...
    IRON YOUR MAIL TO KILL ANTHRAX...
    ROOSTER DIES FOLLOWING CASTRATION...
    HITLER WAS A HOMO...
    CARETAKER DUMPS CORPSE ON GIRLFRIEND'S PORCH...
    CITY SETS UP DRIVE-IN BROTHELS...
    SALESMAN ARRESTED FOR SELLING FREE ELECTRICITY...
    DESERT YIELDS RARE PHARAONIC TEMPLE...
    CAFFEINE USED TO QUIET FROGS...
    BURGER KING WORKERS CHAR-BROIL THEIR FEET...
    SHEEPDOG HAS THIRTY BLADDER STONES...
    LIBRARY OF ALEXANDRIA RE-OPENS AFTER 2000 YEAR RENOVATION...
    SCIENTISTS FIND PREVIOUSLY UNKNOWN CITY OF ALEXANDER THE GREAT...
    DEPRESSION CAUSES BRAIN TO SHRINK...
    UNGRATEFUL SON KILLS FATHER WITH CHAINSAW...
    FRENCH AUTHOR ALAINE ROBBE-GRILLET PREFERS YOUNG GIRLS...
    RUMORS SURROUND WTC TRAGEDY...
    THE URBAN LEGEND WINGDING CONSPIRACY...
    TALES OF A TALIBAN TORTURER...
    MOONSHINING POT FARMER BUSTED IN TENNESSEE...
    ANCIENT ROMANS INVENTED THE WASHING MACHINE...
    QUEEN OF ENGLAND GETS CELL PHONE...
    MAD DOG BITES 52...
    WHY WE NEED CONSPIRACY THEORIES...
    CHINESE WORK OVERTIME SEWING U.S. FLAGS AS AMERICANS LOSE JOBS...
    CELL PHONES SPEED UP BRAIN...
    HELP FOR THOSE WHO SUFFER FROM A SHY BLADDER...
    SEWER GAFFE LEADS TO 30,000 GALLON LEAK...
    FROG FOUND IN CUSTARD PUDDING...
    LAST LUSITANIA SURVIVOR DIES...
    HAMSTER STOPPED FOR SPEEDING...
    BULIMIC WOMAN ARRESTED FOR DUMPING OVER 1.2 TONS OF VOMIT...
    CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF WTC SURVIVORS...
    WOMEN REPORT BEING SERVED RODENT BURRITO AT TACO BELL...
    WORLD TRADE TOWER COLLAPSE REGISTERS 2.0 ON RICHTER SCALE...
    NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED WORLD TRADE TOWER EVENT...
    FINALLY SOURCE OF 1356 EARTHQUAKE...
    BOOTLEG VODKA KILLS 44...
    95 YEAR OLD MAN GROWS NEW SET OF TEETH...
    RITALIN STRONGER THAN COCAINE...
    FUEL TRUCK EXPLODES UNDER JUMBO-JET...
    SCIENTISTS IN SEARCH OF WORLD'S FUNNIEST JOKE...
    FLATULENCE RULED NOT A CRIME...
    WOMAN RIPS OFF BOYFRIEND'S TESTICLES...
    MAN SACRIFICES SON TO GODS...
    SWEDISH KING STRUCK IN FACE WITH STRAWBERRY TART...
    BIBLE SAVES BOY FROM GUNSHOT...
    HITLER PLAYED COWBOYS AND INDIANS...
    BOTTLED COW URINE...
    ANIMAL DUNG BEER...
    FAIRIES AND FUNGI...
    BORDER'S BOOKS FEATURES BIG BROTHER-CAM...
    U.S. JAIL POPULATION HITS 6.5 MILLION AND GROWING...
    DEAD MAN'S REMAINS MIXED UP WITH DEER REMAINS...
    UNPATRIOTIC EAGLE TERRORIZES BEACH-GOERS...
    ELECTRIC SHOCK VICTIM ON PERMANENT HIGH...
    NYC LIBRARY BUYS KEROUAC ARCHIVES...
    NAKED MAN LEADS POLICE TO MARIJUANA CROP...
    EXPLODING POTATO HALTS PERFORMANCE IN ROYAL OPERA HOUSE...
    MAN SUES JESUS CHRIST IN COURT OF LAW...
    NYC NUMBER 2 TRAINS SUNK...
    MOON IS ASTEROID WHICH HIT EARTH...
    PROVOCATIVE PHOTO OF PORK SPILL...
    IRAN INCREASES PUBLIC FLOGGINGS...
    MAN KILLED CHASING RUNAWAY CAR...
    32 CHINESE TOURISTS INJURED IN U.S. BUS PLUNGE...
    SIDDHARTHA'S BIRTHPLACE TO BE FLOODED BY DAM...
    FIRE MELTS ICE-MAKING FACTORY...
    OVER 30,000 JAPANESE SUICIDES EACH YEAR...
    HOLOCAUST STORY UNTRUE...
    GRANNY MAKES AIRPORT BOMB THREAT...
    AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER ROBS NINE BANKS WHILE ON DUTY...
    NIXON TAPES' 18 ERASED MINUTES TO BE ANALYZED...
    CAROLINAS' BIG BROTHER-CAM FOLLOWS VEHICLES...
    TAXI PASSENGER IS DRIVER'S LONG-LOST SON...
    DRUNK LEAVES BABY AT PUB DOOR...
    CHEETAH ROAMS PITTSBURGH STREETS...
    THE INDIAN MOTORCYCLE ROLLS AGAIN...
    ANTI-AIRCRAFT GUN GOES OFF ATOP HOTEL...
    EX VIET-CONG GUERRILLA SPEAKS FOR FIRST TIME SINCE WAR...
    BRAZILIAN WRITER JORGE AMADO DIES...
    STORY OF THE FIRST JIGSAW PUZZLE...
    SATELLITES VULNERABLE TO ENEMY ATTACK...
    MORE ON THE BIG BROTHER PHENOMENA...
    FOOD FACTORY WORKER FIRED FOR REPORTING RAT...
    GERMANS DRINKING LESS BEER...
    NUDE PHOTOS OF MARILYN MONROE FOUND UNDER MAN'S BED...
    MARIJUANA PATCH FOUND GROWING OUTSIDE POLICE HEADQUARTERS...
    FLASHBACK 1947-1948...
    CANADA LEGALIZES CANNABIS...
    22 BEARS SHOT EXECUTION-STYLE...
    FLAMING POP-TART TORCHES HOUSE...
    BLACKBEARD'S GHOST HAUNTS ISLAND...
    500 SKULLS DISCOVERED IN HOUSE...
    COCKROACH LANDS IN WOMAN'S MOUTH...
    THE PLEASURES OF CHINESE EAR-CLEANING...
    RACCOON ATTACKS BOY SLEEPING IN BED...
    DWI PROGRAM DIRECTOR ARRESTED FOR DWI...
    GOING POSTAL!...
    FORMER SOVIET SOLDIER REVEALS WHERE HITLER WAS CREMATED...
    HOT METAL RAINS DOWN ON PARKING LOT...
    LATEST LOWDOWN ON LENIN...
    MAN ATTEMPTS TO STRAIGHTEN OUT WHOLE LIFE IN ONE WEEK...
    FEMALE PRISON INMATES STUDY PLATO AND OTHER GREEK CLASSICS...
    MOTHER DUCK DIALS 911 TO SUMMON POLICE TO DUCKLING EMERGENCY...
    EVIL MEN SUBMERGE DOG IN VAT OF HOT OIL...
    11 YEAR OLD GIRL LOST ON AIRLINE FOR 18 HOURS...
    BUFFALO CHIP TOSSING EVENT PLANNED FOR 2008 OLYMPICS...
    CONTORTIONIST GETS STUCK WHILE TIED UP LIKE A PRETZEL...
    L.A. COUNTY TO TAX SATELLITES FLYING OVERHEAD...
    GERMANY GETS TURNED ON TO SOLAR POWER IN BIG WAY...
    NEWFANGLED TOILET ANALYZES WASTE CONTENT...
    NEW WEB BROWSER BLOCKS ADS AND A WHOLE LOT MORE...
    DIGITAL ERA SIGNALS END OF RECORDED HISTORY...
    BLIND MAN CHOSEN TO JUDGE CANADIAN BEAUTY PAGEANT...
    ROMANIA TO BUILD DRACULA THEME PARK IN TRANSYLVANIA...
    WOMAN KILLS HERSELF AFTER MISSING MOVIE SHOWING...
    SKUNK STINKS UP RADIO STATION STUDIO...
    RESEARCH SHOWS BOYS READ, BUT NOT BOOKS...
    INGENIUS SCIENTIST CREATES SELF-CLEANING CLOTHING...
    416 PEOPLE POSE NUDE FOR MASSIVE PORNO PHOTO...
    EU PASSES LAW PROHIBITING STRING BEANS OVER 12 MILLIMETERS WIDE...
    DEADLY SNAKES ARE LATEST INTERNET FAD...
    GOD KILLS 11 AT FOLK MUSIC CONCERT...
    BOY DIES EATING MUD PIE AT BOOT CAMP...
    PROPOSED CAT LITTER FACTORY FACES UPHILL BATTLE...
    NEW SCIENTIFIC STUDY SHOWS CLONING TO BE ABSOLUTELY SAFE...
    200 WITCHES KILLED IN THE CONGO...
    DNA TESTING PROVES HITLER WAS JEWISH...
    2,500 YEAR OLD HUMAN REMAINS FOUND IN MIAMI...
    SLEEPWALKER HANGS HIMSELF WHILE DREAMING ABOUT VIOLENT MOVIE...
    DOG-TAGS OF DEAD VIETNAM VETS RETURNED TO FAMILIES...
    CHILD INJURED WHEN ICE CREAM EXPLODES IN BELLY...
    ALBINO LAWYER SUES YELLOWBOOK OVER UNFLATTERING PHOTO...
    HOSPITAL SUED FOR LOSING AMPUTATED LEG...
    MAN TAKES LONG WALK OFF SHORT PIER...
    SADDAM IS AN ACCOMPLISHED PASTRY CHEF...
    VANDALS DAMAGE BOSTON'S FIRST PUBLIC TOILET, AN HISTORIC LANDMARK...
    LIVERPOOL AIRPORT NAMED AFTER JOHN LENNON...
    GARBAGE TRUCK ON THE LOOSE IN PITTSBURGH...
    FANATICS VISIT JIM MORRISON GRAVE...
    EVIL GOVERNMENT SPIES ON TAMPA CITIZENS...
    HITLER'S BERCHTESGADEN EAGLE'S LAIR TO BECOME HOTEL...
    MAN VISITING BROTHEL DISCOVERS HIS WHOREHOUSE WIFE AT WORK...
    MYSTERY SURROUNDS KENTUCKY SINKHOLE...
    ARCHIE BUNKER DIES, THE MEATHEAD CRIES...
    'BABE' THE PIG SLAUGHTERED FOR FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE...
    COOKIE MONSTER ASSAULTED BY MANIAC..
    WOMAN SUES AFTER SLIPPING ON DOG SLOBBER...
    TACO BELL ROBBER NABBED WHILE WAITING FOR CHALUPA..
    BRANDO SHOWS UP TO MOVIE SET NAKED...
    BATMOBILE UP FOR SALE..
    24 BRITISH WWI CORPSES UNEARTHED...
    MAN TREATED FOR 222 METAL OBJECTS IN STOMACH...
    DOG-BOY FOUND IN CAVE..
    HELL'S ANGELS INVOLVED IN BRAWL...
    BIKINI ISLANDERS STILL HOLD A GRUDGE...
    "I DONT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM. I CAN STOP AT ANY TIME!"...
    BOGUS FLIER ANGERS OFFICIALS, LAWYERS SUMMONED...
    MANY WORLD LANGUAGES FACE EXTINCTION...
    'NEW' MOUSE CHANGES COLOR ON COMMAND...
    FAUX FAX SPRINGS CONVICT FROM JAIL..
    RUSSIANS PIONEER NEW METHOD OF DRUG-ABUSE TREATMENT...
    AUTHOR SALMON RUSHDIE SPEAKS OUT ON REALITY TV...
    DOG REGISTERED TO VOTE IN LAST PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION...
    SCIENTISTS DISCOVER HASHISH IS GOOD FOR JOINTS...
    BOX OF 900 JELLYFISH FOUND BY LIFEGUARDS...
    10 TONS OF ROTTED SQUID ARE EVIDENCE IN MAJOR DRUG CASE...
    COUPLE WED WET...
    GERMANY'S TOP SCIENTISTS APOLOGIZE FOR NAZI-ERA CRIMES...
    WOMAN BITES BACK DURING DOG ATTACK...
    POLICE SEEK MAN WHO LICKS WOMEN'S ARMS...
    PORNO FOUND IN THE QUEEN'S MOTORCAR...
    FIRE ANTS INVADE AUSTRALIA...
    SADDAM'S EPIC NOVEL TO BE MADE INTO SOAP-OPERA...
    JAPANESE CONSUME MORE GODZILLA MEAT THAN SUSHI...
    PHARMACY ROBBER FALLS ASLEEP ON THE JOB...
    BOZO THE CLOWN'S LAST TV SHOW TAPED...
    EVIL PARENTS LOCK CHILD IN CLOSET FOR FOUR YEARS...
    9-1-1 PUPPY EMERGENCY PROMPTS CRIMINAL CHARGE...
    BICYCLE SAFETY TIPS...
    FAMOUS WWII U.S. SUBMARINER DIES...
    U.S. POSTAL SERVICE SPIES ON ALL WHO BUY STAMPS...
    PIRANHAS DEVOUR MISSOURI FISHERMAN ...
    SNEEZING IN PUBLIC IS CRIMINALIZED...
    WWII BOMBS SCARE FRENCH TOWNSPEOPLE...
    FOUR TEENAGE GIRLS RAPE UNLUCKY BOY, TWICE...
    'SUICIDE BY POLICE' BECOMING VERY POPULAR...
    STRIPPERS HIRED TO PERFORM AT COUNTY JAIL...
    HUMAN HEAD DISCOVERED IN BELLY OF TIGER SHARK...
    BRAVE PARAMEDICS RESCUE DYING RODENT...
    BLIND-BAT PRIEST WAS MAD SCIENTIST...
    LADY DROWNS IN ELEVATOR...
    HUMAN CANNONBALL SHOT OUT OF GIANT BURRITO...
    BEACH-BALL BABE NEARLY DROWNS...
    WILY OLD JOE STALIN INSTIGATED WWII...
    86 HUMAN SKULLS FOUND AT BUS STOP...
    ELDERLY LADY SPENDS TWO DAYS IN SUBMERGED CAR...
    MAN STANDING ON BEACH STRUCK BY LIGHTNING...
    3 MILLION CHINESE PEOPLE DRINK THEIR OWN URINE...
    MAN PLACES HIS OWN TESTICLES ON THE AUCTION BLOCK...
    FRED SANFORD'S BEST FRIEND GRADY DIES...
    EMPLOYEES OF NUT-PROCESSING PLANT REPORT OVERPOWERING STENCH WHEN WINDS SHIFT...
    MAN FRYING TACO STRUCK BY LIGHTNING...
    15-LEGGED FROG BORN IN FLORIDA...
    PARROT MAKES EMERGENCY CALL TO POLICE...
    UNLUCKY MAN CRASHES HOMEMADE PLANE FOR THE SECOND TIME...
    MAN SPLITS LOG AND FINDS WATCH STOPPED AT 5:26 ON THE 29TH...
    RUNAWAY TRAIN STOPPED AFTER 66 MILE JOURNEY...
    WOMAN TAKES 45 MINUTE BUS RIDE JUST TO CROSS BUSY ROAD...
    MUTANT BACTERIA THREATEN TO UNLEASH THE APOCALYPSE...
    'MR. STINKY' READIES TO BLOOM...
    OLD TOILETS THROWN INTO SEA TO CREATE OYSTER REEF...
    WOMAN BITES OFF ANOTHER WOMAN'S EAR...
    FENG SHUI ON TRIAL...
    MAYANS FIRST TO USE RUBBER, 3500 YEARS AGO...
    FLESH EATING DISEASE DEVOURS TWO MEN IN ONE GULP...
    SLEEPING PASSENGER LEFT LOCKED ON PLANE...
    MONKEY-MAN SIGHTED OUTSIDE OF TOWN...
    ALL EUROPEANS DESCENDED FROM GROUP OF 50 PEOPLE...
    EMAIL PORNO VIRUS STRIKES WORLDWIDE...
    SCIENTISTS BRING OUTER-SPACE ORGANISMS BACK TO LIFE...
    CHINA TO BUILD STATUE OF WORLD'S LARGEST BUDDHA...
    MONARCHOS WINS THE 127TH KENTUCKY DERBY...
    MCDONALDS SERVES BEEF-TAINTED FRENCH-FRIES...
    TRADITIONAL THEORY OF AERODYNAMICS CHALLENGED...
    DOG BLOWS UP OWNER WITH BOMB AFTER BEING KEPT IN HOT CAR ALL DAY...
    DRUNK BEAR FOUND SNOOZING ON SIDE OF ROAD... WWII 'FLYING TIGER' ACE FIGHTER PILOT DIES ...
    'STRETCH' THE ROOSTER SURVIVES DANGEROUS JOURNEY...
    ELLINGTON VOCALIST AL HIBBLER DIES...
    CIA FILES ON HITLER AND OTHER NAZIS RELEASED...
    ISRAEL SPIES ON WHITE HOUSE...
    ISRAEL DELIBERATELY ATTACKED U.S. SHIP...
    POKEMAN MAY BE PART OF LARGER CONSPIRACY...
    HISTORIC VOYAGE UNCOVERED LOST CIVILIZATION IN CENTRAL AMERICA...
    MAN MADE INTO SPECIAL SOUP...
    THE DEMONIC RITUAL OF THE SKULL AND BONES SECRET SOCIETY...
    INTERVIEW WITH A WEBSITE DESIGNER...
    ROCK LEGEND JOEY RAMONE DIES...
    DISGRUNTLED TEENS SUE MTV...
    GARY 'SHORTY' COLEMAN STARS IN ROACH PESTICIDE COMMERCIAL...
    NEW YORK MANIAC POISONS RESTAURANT SALAD-BARS WITH SPECIAL DRESSING...
    DECLINE IN FROGS SIGNALS END OF CIVILIZATION...
    KOOK STRIKES LIBERTY BELL WITH SLEDGE-HAMMER...
    CAPITALIST PIGS WORK EMPLOYEES TO DEATH...
    EVIL GOVERNMENT IS DELIBERATELY POISONING POPULACE WITH TOXIC AIRPLANE CONTRAILS...
    TELEVISION CAUSES ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE...
    ARSONIST INADVERTENTLY TELEPHONES FIRE CHIEF AND CONFESSES CRIME...
    WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO ERIC RUDOLPH?...
    PORTUGUESE BUS PLUNGE...
    SEWAGE WORKER SUCKED DOWN SEWER IN THE LINE OF DUTY...
    SHAKSPEARE SMOKED POT...
    JACKSON MAN COOKS WIFE IN FAMILY RESTARAUNT...
    LIBRARY AT ALEXANDRIA BEING REBUILT...
    TAXPAYERS PAY FOR LUNCH AT HOOTERS FOR ZOO EMPLOYEES...
    SWIM INSTRUCTOR DROWNS IN PUDDLE...
    NORWEGIAN COMPUTER KID SCARES HOLLYWOOD...
    MAN BUILDS GOLD TOILETS...
    COPS SHOOT MAN ARMED WITH BIBLE...
    SADDAM HUSSEIN IS OBSESSED WITH PERSONAL HYGIENE...
    MAD SCIENTIST BREEDS MOUSE WITH TINY HUMAN BRAIN...
    OVERZEALOUS POLICE DOG BITES 54 PEOPLE...
    ME262 PILOT BROKE SOUND BARRIER FIRST...
    SCOTLAND YARD SOLVES 112 YEAR OLD POSTCARD MYSTERY...
    BEWARE OF RABID LAB MICE ON THE LOOSE...
    ASTEROIDS DESTROYED LIFE ON EARTH ON TWO DIFFERENT OCCASIONS...
    A SMALL DOG SWALLOWS HUGE KNIFE...
    JAPANESE DROPPED BUBONIC FLEAS ON CHINA DURING WWII...
    GOOGLE SEARCH YIELDS UNEXPECTED RESULTS...
    DEAD EMPLOYEE SITS AT DESK FOR FIVE DAYS...
    WWII POW HELD IN COLDITZ CASTLE DIES...
    MOUSE CAUSES AIRPLANE DELAY...
    90000 RUSSIANS GET TRICHINOSIS FROM TAINTED BBQ PORK...
    EL SALVADOR ROCKED BY MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE...
    SOVIET BOMBER PILOT TELLS OF FLYING INTO NUCLEAR TEST BLASTS DURING COLD WAR...
    BOY DREAMING PARENTS ARE BEING MURDERED JUMPS OUT OF WINDOW TO ESCAPE...
    SCHOOL KIDS SUFFER FROM MYSTERY RASH...
    VACUUM CLEANER SAVES MAN CHOKING ON MOCHI RICE BALL...
    KILLER SHRIMP ON THE LOOSE...
    GIANT TUNA FISH SELLS FOR $173,600...
    RELIGIOUS FANATICS FORCE GROCERY STORES TO REMOVE ARTIFICIAL PORK FLAVORING FROM SHELVES...
    SPOTLIGHT ON ROADKILL REMOVAL TECHNIQUES...
    GARY 'DIFF'RENT STROKES' COLEMAN PROMISES NEVER TO SPEAK TO THE MEDIA AGAIN...
    SCIENTISTS DISCOVER WHAT AN ITCH IS...
    JOHN THE BAPTIST SKULL UNEARTHED...
    ARTHUR C. CLARKE ON 2001 Y2K AND THE MILLENNIUM...
    BEIJING CHINA INFESTED WITH COCKROACHES...
    CHICKEN LAYS A BOWLING PIN...
    A BEAT UP SANTA CLAUSE RETURNS HOME...
    EXPLODING PUDDING POSES GRAVE RISK TO HUMANS...
    SNOWMAN DESTROYED IN VICIOUS SWORD ATTACK...
    SOURCE OF THE AMAZON RIVER IS FOUND...
    AFRICAN KING FOUND 'THE NEW WORLD' 200 YEARS BEFORE COLUMBUS...
    EXPERTS AGREE, THERE IS LIFE AFTER DECAPITATION...
    WORKMAN LAUNCHES WWII ROCKET...
    MAN SAVES HIS OWN LIFE BY DEFLECTING FLARE OFF THE SIDE OF HIS HEAD...
    INSTANT-NOODLES VOTED GREATEST INVENTION OF ALL TIME...
    A MAN HUNTING WILD PIG HAS HIS FOOT BLOWN OFF BY A SHOTGUN-WIELDING DOG NAMED STINKY...
    LENNON FANS GATHER AT STRAWBERRY FIELDS, JUST A BLOCK AWAY FROM THE DAILY SQUID OFFICES...
    LENNON IS POLITICALLY CORRECT IN CUBA...
    CASTRO DEDICATES BRONZE LENNON STATUE IN HAVANA...
    FRY YOUR EGGS WELL TO PREVENT SALMONELLA POISONING...
    THE WORLD'S CHEETOS SUPPLY IS IN JEOPARDY...
    THE POPE IS FEATURED AS A NEW COMIC BOOK HERO...
    CLINTON SAYS MARIJUANA SHOULD BE DE-CRIMINALIZED...
    BUS PLUNGE : INDIA ! ...
    RARE PHOTOS OF EVA BRAUN FOUND...
    ARAFAT DRAWS HIS PISTOL...
    GERMAN MERCHANT SELLS PRODUCTS NAMED AFTER FAMOUS WWII GERMANS...
    EL SALVADOR ADOPTS U.S. DOLLAR AS ITS CURRENCY...
    150,000 GALLONS OF GRAVY WASTED EVERY WEEK...
    POPE JOINS THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS...
    RUSSIAN CYBER-ATTACKS ON U.S. INFRASTRUCTURE...
    CYBER-WAR IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE...
    CYBER-SUICIDE...
    ARE YOU LIVID?...
    THE SECRET LIFE OF FIDEL CASTRO...
    PHOTOGRAPHER EDWARD CURTIS AND THE AMERICAN INDIAN...
    RUSSIAN MAFIA HACKS MICROSOFT...
    CLEOPATRA'S HANDWRITING FOUND ON ANCIENT PAPYRUS...
    MAN ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTING A SHEEP...
    Why did Rudolph Hess parachute to England? STORY DEVELOPING!...
    THE POPE BLESSES THE WORLD'S PIZZA MAKERS...
    REVOLUTIONARY NEW CAR DESIGN UNVEILED...
    KANGAROO ON THE LOOSE IN LONDON...
    BLACK-BEAR BILE BANNED...
    BUS PLUNGE: EL SALVADOR...
    MORE HUMAN PROGRESS IN LAST 100 YEARS THAN ALL PREVIOUS CENTURIES COMBINED
    SCIENTIFIC STUDY OF LIFE AFTER DEATH...
    CRIMES OF PASSION SOAR IN SHANGHAI...
    NEW YORKERS ARE SPENDING MORE FOR MEALS...
    MAN FACES PRISON TIME FOR SQUEEZING BUNS...
    FLEAS PREFER RATS TO HUMANS...
    RARE TEXT OF ARCHIMEDES UNCOVERED...
    The Mysterious Mr. Takagi...
    'Squid Guy' Arrested For Making Big Stink...
    Beethoven Died of Lead Poisoning...
    Woman Sues Employer Over Co-Worker's Chronic Flatulence...
    Police on Lookout for Man Who Sucks Women's Toes (without proper consent)...
    American Communist Gus Hall Dies...
    BUS PLUNGE IN COLOMBIA...
    Ebola Outbreak In Uganda...
    BUS EXPLOSION IN NIGERIA...
    OPERATION COLOSSUS DE-CLASSIFIED...
    600,000 Chickens Crushed To Death...
    Naked Man Shot In Butt By Police...
    BIGFOOT SIGHTING...
    Evil Cult Clones First 'UBER'-Baby...
    What REALLY happened to the Roman Empire?...
    CRIMINAL Hollywood Movie-Moguls EXPLOIT CHILDREN as Guinea-Pigs in 'Screening' Of Violent Movies...
    Discarded Half-Eaten Ham Sandwich was Cause of Swine Flu Epidemic...
    Clinton Shakes Hands With Village Idiot...
    RADIO BROADCAST SHANGHAIED BY CLEVER PIRATE...
    Absolutely MAD SCIENTIST Creates Genetically Mutated GLOW-IN-THE-DARK Bunny Rabbit...
    Scientist Predicts Earthquakes By Studying Radio Waves Echoing Off Asteroids...
    FCC Launches Probe Into Subliminal Political TV Ad...
    2000 year old FLUSH toilet discovered in CHINA...
    Handcuffed Man Eludes Police By Diving Into River, Then Drowns...
    URI GELLER STOPS OLYMPIC CEREMONY WITH POWER OF MIND...
    The WORLDS HOTTEST CHILI PEPPER Discovered in INDIA...
    Prison Inmates Spooked by Ouija Board Spirit...
    CANNIBALISM in TANZANIA...
    HUMAN HEAD FOUND IN BELLY OF FISH...
    Postal Workers get NEW UNIFORM...
    MEAT-EATING UNDERGROUND PLANT FOUND ...
    Man Who Invented LUCKY CHARMS Dies In a Very UNLUCKY WAY...
    APPALACHIAN MOONSHINE...
    Why did Rudolph Hess parachute to England? STORY DEVELOPING!...
    Man Attempts to SEVER His Own TESTICLES...
    NUTTY-PROFESSOR CLAIMS AMERICAN CULTURE IS BANKRUPT...
    Man Barbecues Mom...
    LIST of RECENT AIR DISASTERS...
    FISHERMAN CATCHES MYTHICAL BLUE-LOBSTER...
    MT FUJI has NEW FRESH-SMELLING BIO-TOILETS...
    PUTIN DEMONSTRATES JUDO at G-8 SUMMIT...
    A SNAKE APPEARS OUT OF WATER TAP...
    The NORTH POLE is MELTING...
    PING-PONG BOUNCES BACK...
    Lady Finds FINGER in Bag of POPCORN...
    Man Steals Human EYEBALLS mistaking them for LOBSTER... 10,000 Middle-Aged Men Blow Wind in Song...

    FBI unleashes CARNIVORE to devour internet CRIMINALS...
    FARRAKHAN started out singing CALYPSO back in the 1950s...
    IGUANA found in British French Fries...
    GIANT POISON MUSHROOM grows outside Moscow, DEADLY shooting spores kill HUNDREDS...
    Latest Drug Craze: COUGH SYRUP...
    FEDs plan mass EXTERMINATION of CANADIAN GEESE...
    KILLER SEAGULLS carry BABY UP into the AIR, then drop it in the OCEAN (baby survives)...
    Giant DOG-BONE flying through space may IMPACT earth on CHRISTMAS EVE...
    Farrakhan in Libya CONSPIRING with Colonel Qadhafi...
    HUGE SILVER NUGGET found, then LOST again, by bumbling prospector... Nuclear, chemical, biological attack likely to happen...
    FCC ARRESTS 72-YEAR OLD HANDICAPPED NYC PIRATE RADIO OPERATOR for broadcasting RELIGIOUS material IN SPANISH...
    One million VIRUS infected PIGS are slaughtered, and the PORK is accidentally served to schoolchildren as "canadian bacon"...
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