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WOMAN WITH BEACH-BALL SIZED BREASTS SPOTTED JUMPING OFF SOUTHSIDE PIER INTO DANGEROUS WATERS

Dover A woman with breasts measuring at least 82HHH was spotted jumping off the southside pier on saturday by two sailors on a passing ship, who alerted police by ship-to-shore radio. She would have drowned had it not been for the enormity of her breasts, which helped to keep her afloat in the channel waters. Police fished her out of the frigid, choppy waves. Her identity is not being released pending further review of the case since no laws seem to have been broken. (UPFSI)